That's right boys and girls, it's now officially the offseason, that time of year when all of Rangerdom cringes(no, not the September cringes), waiting to see what the Next Disasterous Move to come out of the Rangers front office will be.  Add to the mix our club's ownership woes, and this offseason has the potential to send us spiraling into a tailspin...away from mediocrity and back down to the embarrassing.

Now, as usual, I'm being my unfair, Cynical Ba$tard© self, seeing as how over the last year Jon Daniels and Nolan Ryan have actually made some of the best moves a club can make, which is the less-exciting, subtle No Move At All, move.  I applauded the shiite out of them in late-July for NOT trading away the farm to get Roy Halladay, and I applaud them for that still. 

Last offseason, they did make some great move-moves, namely acquiring Omar Vizquel to mentor Elvis Andrus, and moving Michael Young over to third base.  At the time, those of us in Rangerdom were slightly worried about this move, because our unofficial captain, Young, wasn't thrilled with the move at all.  Fortunately, Mike's a trooper.  He took one for the team, made the move, and conquered third base.

This off-season, unfortunately, isn't looking so good, IMHO, and the No Move-Move, ain't gonna cut it.  Numero Uno on the To-Do list, is to re-sign this guy, regardless of ownership:

Marlon Byrd was invaluable in 2009 when Josh Hamilton went down.  He played gold-glove caliber center field, swung a mighty bat(two-baggers out the wahzoo), and provided some great leadership in the clubhouse.  Plus, we the fans love the f'n guy.  Sadly, he's filed for free agency and all indications from Jon Daniels is that resigning him ain't gonna happen.  So, Strike ONE, for the Rangers front office!

Priority Numero Two-o: Sell the frickin team to someone who:

1) Isn't going to use it as a giant, good-ole-boy accessory - "Yessir-y, I own me some oil rigs, a sh!t-load of cattle, and I bought the Missus a really BIG diamond up thar in Dallas somewhere, not quite sure exactly where, but it's a damn big sumbitch!"

2) Isn't going to buy the team just to turn a profit so he can fund a US Presidential campaign that will ultimately lead to the destruction of the US economy, the shredding of the US Constitution, yet another US War Machine Profiteering Scam© , and eight years later, is single-handedly responsible for putting the f*cking Manchurian Candidate Incarnate into the White House while a nation of Useful Idiots swoon because their Hopenchange Messiah is photogenic and can wax eloquently from a teleprompter.

3) Isn't going to mortgage away the future of the team by signing ONE superstar to an insane, high-dollar contract, only to leave barely enough cash in the till to surround said superstar with the Bad News Bears, thus dooming the club to a decade of embarrassing celler-dwelling, mediocrity, and dashed-hope September meltdowns.

...in other words, get a Mark Cuban caliber owner in the house who wants to put a fking winner on the field!  Say what you want about Cuban, but he puts a winner on the court every frickin year, and he's NOT Jerry Jones.

I'll cover Numero-Three-o through Numero Whatever-o in a later post...I just worked myself into a p!ssed off frenzy and need to step away from the keyboard before blood vessels start exploding in my brain.

:^)

--Jonestein

Steelers, Lakers, now...Yankees.  I'd throw in the Penquins but I'm still a hockey neophyte learning who I'm supposed to "hate" as a Dallas Stars fan, so clubbing the Pens just feels disingenuine.

As a Cowboys fan, seeing the Steelers win another Supe(from my hospital bed, no less) was bad enough.  Granted, it could have been much, much worse...only a Redskins SB win would get my goat more.  Thankfully, THAT nightmare doesn't appear to be on the horizon anytime soon, merci beaucoup, Messrs. Snyder & Zorn.

Lakers..meh.  I honestly haven't paid much attention to the Mavs or NBA in several years, so that pill wasn't too hard to swallow...plus, Phil Jackson is a damned good coach, so the Left Coast Evil Empire actually deserved another ring, I suppose.

Which brings us to last night, Nov 4, 2009, and THE Evil Empire finishing off the Phils for Numero Twenty-Seven-o.  As a Texas Rangers fan/Boston Red Sox supporter, it just doesn't get any worse than this;  1. They're the Yankees.  2. In the only three playoff appearences by my beloved Arlingtonians, guess who knocked 'em out?  3. As a Red Sox supporter, see #1.

I suppose I shouldn't be hatin' on the Yanks just to hate on 'em.  Yeah, they "buy" their championships, which the libertarian/free market economics guy in me (I really need to stop bending over in the shower for that soap) shouldn't have a problem with.  I'm happy for former Ranger Mark Teixeira, he's a great ballplayer.  Great to see Matsui get the MVP in what is presumably his last year in the pinstripes.  Even A-Rod, bane of Rangerdom existence...he really stepped up in the playoffs. 

Nah, that's no fun, I f*ckin' hate the Yankees, they still S*CK!

;^)

--Jonestein

Well, looks like I get to miss the first two games of the '09 World Series...Game 1 is on Mrs. J's birthday, and Game 2 falls on my bowling night...of course the bowling alley will surely have the series on the lane tvs, so I guess I'm good to go there.

And on the bright side, Mrs. J informed me that for her birthday this year, she'd like to go see a hockey game, and it just so happens that the Dallas Stars are hosting the Toronto Maple Leafs tonight.  Amazingly, I've never been to a Stars game, so it will be a first for both of us.

Thankfully I will be able to watch games 3 and 4, guilt-free, with no disruptions...Mrs. J is going to Austin this weekend.

Go Phils!

:^)

--Jonestein

Me and my buddy Kootz got our seat "assignments" for our 2010 Rangers season tickets last week, thankfully they are the exact seats we requested....Row 4, Seats 6 & 7.  The pic below doesn't really do 'em justice, so you'll just have to trust me when I say they are SWEEEEEET!!!

Five months and some change to go....

:^)

--Jonestein

Today, BAPL mourns the loss of a good friend: Wan Fu Chinese Restaurant on West Camp Bowie Blvd. in Fort Worth, Texas...they shut the doors for good last night.

Yours truly has been gorging himself on their cuisine for 12 years now, my bloated wasteline being a testament to the fact.  Great dumplings, great Kung Pao, perfect Garlic Chicken, all gone with the click of a lock.

I'm very lucky that I had a hankering for some Kung Pao Shrimp yesterday afternoon, otherwise I would have discovered their demise during lunch this week and gone postal. 

I spoke with the owner and he cited ever rising food costs after Katrina as the culprit.

All the years I've been going to Wan Fu they've always been friendly, provided great service, and the food quality was never once compromised.  Those times when I'd get a little burnt out on the place and subsequently take a break from it, never once did I get an annoying "Where have you been?!?"  from the owners or employees (I actually quit going to a different place years before I discovered Wan Fu for that very reason).

Adios, good friend, you shall be missed.

Yes, I'm bummed. 

:^(

--Jonestein

I'm not feeling terribly inspired or witty today, as I think I blew my snarck-wad in the last several posts, comments sections, and on Facebook...so you might want to take Officer Barbrady's advice and "Move along, there's nothing to see here", this is probably going to be a boring post.

*waits for you to move along*

Ok, so how did the Magic BAPL Prediction Box® do in the ALDS and NLDS? Looks like I went 3-1, with an asterisk next to the "3":

1. Los Anaheim in five over Boston.

Well, I got the "over" part right.  Unfortunately, the Halos heroics were too much for my boys from Beantown, and there was no dramatic game five win, just an embarrasing three-game sweep in front of a stunned Beantown crowd.  It seems Post-Season Papelbon is mortal afterall.

2. Yanks sweep Twinks.

Check.  This was the easiest of the predictions, though the Twinks fell valiantly.

3. Phils 3 games to 1 over the Rox.

Nailed it.

4. Cardinals 3 games to 2 over the Dodgers.

Not so much.  Not sure that Matt Holliday's flubolla made any difference in this one as the Cardinals decided to do their best impersonation of the September 2009 Texas Rangers.  I really thought the Cardinal bats would overpower the Dodger pitching. Looks like this prediction fell victim to an old adage. Worst of all: Padilla.  Blech.

Now, onward and forward to the ALCS and NLCS, slightly tainted because I'm a day late and the Phils beat Los Angeles of Los Angeles last night:

1. ALCS - Yanks over the Angels in Six.

I actually WANT the Angels to win because I would love to see a LAA-LALA World Series...and I actually WANT the Angels to win the World Series because it would be a huge, symbolic middle finger to all of the AL West bashers out there.  But alas, as much as it pains me to say this, I think the Yanks are the "real deal" this year.  The Halos will give em one helluva fight, but the Evil Empire will prevail.

2. NLCS - Dodgers over Phils in Seven.

I'll at least get half of my desired World Series, and MLB, FOX, and anyone who benefits from good television ratings will get their full WS wish as the Dodgers prevail in an epic dogfight(I can't believe I'm starting to use the word "epic" all of the time.  I sound like my 17 yr old nephew...EVERYTHING is "Epic"...lol).  The Phils, like the Angels, will not go down easily and shall fight valiantly to the bitter end.

Not that my predictions matter, as I think any combination will give us a great World Series this year.

Ok, that's it.  Told you it would be boring.

:^)

--Jonestein

Yes, dear readers, now that the "Los Angeles" Angels of Anaheim, California have succeeded in sweeping my #2 team, the "Boston" Red Sox of Boston, Taxachucetts, and thus, sweeping my MLB enthusiam out the door until next spring, it's time for another heart-warming episode of "Jonestein B!tches About Petty Things Completely Out of His Control", and yes, another exacerbatingly long opening sentence wrought with comma abuse, typos, and diction ineptness, all brought to you by the Texas State Board of Education, where evolution is Just a Theory® and The Bible is the only science text book God's Children® will ever need.

In today's episode, we discuss the insipid practice of shilling NFL merchandise under the pretense of "nostalgia", otherwise known as the "Throwback Game".

Now, don't get me wrong, the libertarian, free market economics guy in me (insert tasteless joke here) is all for making money, but there is just something disingenuous at work here that leaves a bad taste in my mouth(I'm just lobbing these over the plate, eh?) and this, once again, "manufactured nostalgia" is just one of the many off-putting things that have made me a marginal NFL fan over the years. 

Yeah, yeah, I know, MLB does it's share of Fake Nostalgia Games, as well as it's Racism-Guilt Baiting Games, but like any blogger worth his salt, I choose to ignore that fact and continue to wax sanctimoniously, not missing a beat.

Anyway, much like the awarding of the now meaningless Nobel Peace Prize and it's manufactured prestige to our President, Saint Hopenchange, these "throwback" games are just grandiose marketing schemes designed to sell us a bunch of crap we don't need: more "authentic"/replica jerseys, t-shirts, and socialized medicine that we can't pay for and haven't really thought through. 

And of course, there's the putrid aesthetics.  Take those gawd-awful throwbacks sported by the Denver Broncos yesterday.  Those things were hideous back when they were hideous.  I'm certainly no fashion maven, but what kind of bush-league, embarrasment of an organization would subject their players to the ridicule inherent with sporting yellow and brown uniforms?

Not only did I want to go all Oedipus(sans the mom-porking) over those hideous Broncos throwbacks,  I had to endure yet another game watching Brady & Co. wear their bland throwbacks, you know, the ones with the Smiling, Patriotic Reach-Around Guy on the helmet?  Blech.

Then there was my beloved heroes, the Dallas Cowboys, decked out in their circa 1960 blue and white abominations, playing "The Game That Never Was" with the Kansas City Chefs/Dallas Texans.  Yeah, I got a warm fuzzy, harkening back to those days in 1960 I remember so fondly, floating around in Dad's gnads, waiting for that call up to Big Leagues.  Thing is, those unis were hideous back then too, so much that the paisley-like former incarnation of myself could even sense it down at Double A.

(TMI?)

So please, NFL, spare us the smarmy, manufactured nostalgia.  Limit this nonsense to ONE week per season, preferably during the Cowboys bye week.

Cheers,

--Jonestein

 Photo from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Alfred E. Obama from here.

I'll spare you the remaining pics of my Fenway Park tour, like the ones posted yesterday, they were taken from my cell phone camera and the quality, well, ain't.

Anyway, after the tour, my buddy and I hopped back on the subway, headed back to the hotel, and much to my surprise, the bag American Airlines so kindly lost for Mrs. J and I showed up at the concierge desk.  Good thing, because it contained 95% of our clothes, which included our Texas Rangers jerseys.  I was going to wear my Red Sox gear to the game, but Jeff, Mrs. J, and I decided to "represent" our boys by sporting our royal blue Texas Rangers jerseys and assorted hats.

(Note: The above/to-the-right pic was taken from our seats)

I was very surprised by the Fenway crowd, most congratulated us for our team's better-than-expected 2009 season, however we did get several incredulous "Texas?!?" exclamations by passers-by, non of which sounded the least bit threatening, just fun, rivalry razzing.

Here are some pics from that incredible place called Fenway Park:

1. View of the field from our awesome seats:

2. Mrs. J and I enjoying some first class ballpark food (really, it was awesome):

3. Mrs. J and I from the aisle next to our seats (also my new profile pic):

4. My buddy Jeff and I at the same spot:

5. The John Hancock big screen:

6. Jeff and I down by the field after the game:

7. A couple of me at the same spot:

After the game, we went back to the hotel, changed clothes, and headed over to this great little pub called "Mr. Dooley's".  We landed at Mr. Dooley's all three nights we were in Boston.  Here are some drunken pics:

1. Mrs. J and I, pre-sloshed:

2. Jeff and I flashing our "gang signs".  We dubbed our street gang "The Blubs":

3. Me, apparently trying to impersonate a rotund Tony Romo with hypertension, decked out in Red Sox gear.  I was several Smithwicks in by this point so I honestly don't have a clue what the context of this pic was (but I'm pretty sure my pass was intercepted by the ghost of Michael Collins):

I won't bore you with the touristy details surrounding the remainder of the trip...I'll just bore you with a few more pictures:

1. Jeff and I outside Mr. Dooley's right before we left for the airport:

2. Mrs. J and I at the Hahvahd subway stop:

3. Revenge of the Legal Seafood Lobster!:

4. Jeff and I at the aquarium:

5. And finally, Mrs. J and I at the aquarium:

Needless to say, a good time was had by all.  Fenway was beyond awesome, Little Italy The North End was heaven (I could spend weeks there gorging myself on Italian food), and MAN, my feet are tired!

Thanks for the great time, Boston!

2009 Off-the-Cuff BAPL Divisional Playoff Predictions

1. ALDS - Red Sox/Angels

As much as I want my #2 Sox to win it all, I think the Angels just might take 'em this time.

BAPL Predic: Angels 3 games to 2, pulling out a heart-stopping win in Game 5

2. ALDS - Twinks/Yanks

Not to take anything away from the Twinks' impressive AL Central Tiger-thump, but I'm pretty dang sure my Rangers would do a much better job of getting swept by the Yankees in this one.

BAPL Predic: Yankees 3 games to 0 in a yawner.

3. NLDS - Rocks/Phils

Gotta give the Rockies credit, they had an awesome second half run.  Too bad it'll end here.

BAPL Predic: Phils 3 games to 1.

4. NLDS - Cards/Dodgers

His Albertness shall dominate.  Nuff said.

BAPL Predic: Cards 3 games to 2.

Cheers,

--Jonestein

"Oh fatsos, where art thou?" 

This was the question resonating in my head as I huffed and puffed about the streets of Boston last Thursday afternoon during my traditional post-hotel-check-in "recon walk" (translation: identify surrounding pubs within stumbling distance of hotel).  I was stunned. Not an obese person to be found, anywhere.  After a while, I thought I spotted two of them, but it turned out they were just reflections of my buddy and I peering into the window of a corner deli. 

Our recon mission quickly turned into a quest...a quest to find a flabby Bostonian. Eventually, about a half a block away, an enormous  H0mo-Flabbious was heading straight for us.  We rejoiced...until we got close enough to see the 5XL Kansas City Royals t-shirt he was wearing.  He, like us, was just another flabby tourist hailing from fry-over country.

This went on for blocks until finally, terrified, I leaned over to my buddy and whispered: "I see skinny people!  They're everywhere!  They don't know they're skinny!"  Equally terrified, he nodded, then slowly pointed to the patch of hair near my temple that had turned white.  Fortunately, said whiteness was just excess powdered sugar from a donut I'd purchased at one of the ten thousand Dunkin' Donuts stores located in downtown Boston.  The abundance of these stores just added to the flabless Beantown mystery.

We eventually figured it out though.  See, in Texas, we drive everywhere, curb-to-curb, no intrinsic exercise is involved.  In Boston, however, and despite the incredibly convenient subway/trolley system, one must walk one's a$s off in the city to get where one is going, completely offsetting the Dunkin' factor.  I figure it would take about 6 months to eliminate my excess flab if I moved to Boston.

ANYWAY, enough of the flab-shtick, I shall now bore you with pictures:

After the recon walk mentioned above, me, Mrs. Jonestein, and my buddy Jeff, headed to Quincy Market to get our dooshy tourist thang on.  "Starving", we settled on the well known tourist trap, Cheers, where I consumed a twelve-dollar bowl of macaroni and cheese w/ sauteed shrimp.  Afterwards, Jeff and I left Mrs. J at Quincy, hopped on the subway(my first subway ride, btw), and headed down to Fenway for a tour of the ballpark:

1. This is my buddy Jeff as we headed up the ramp:

2. Pesky's Pole viewed from seats atop right field:

3. "Williamsburg":

4. Jonestein behind Pesky's Pole from seats atop right field:

5. Williamsburg and the Green Monstah:

6. Jonestein atop the Green Monster:

7.  Pressbox from the Monster:

8. Bayland (formerly Mannyville) from atop the Monster:

That's it for now.  I'll continue boring you with pictures in the next BAPL in Beantown post.

Cheers,

--Jonestein

On this Holiest of Holy days, be sure to share the following with your delusional friends afflicted with the mind-virus known as "Religion":

1. The Bible is fiction, and not even good fiction...unless you enjoy mysogynistic, homophobic, capricious genocidal snuff pulp fiction.

2. Jesus was not the son of "God", and probably never even existed (and please, spare me the Lee Strobel recommendations, I've read his laugh-out-loud garbage before, it wasn't the slightest bit convincing or for that matter, intellectually honest).  However, if Jesus did exist, he would surely hate the Cubs.

3. There is no supernatural sky-daddy who created the universe and keeps track of, nor cares, how many times you pause "Transformers" to rub one off watching Megan Fox look slutty.

4. Christianity is the bad sequel to Judaism, and Islam is the exceedingly worse sequel that should have gone straight to DVD. 

5. Mormonism is one of the many wacky spin-offs of Christianity that should have been cancelled after the first episode.

6. Scientology was a very lucrative practical joke initiated by L. Ron Hubbard to demonstrate how people will enthusiastically hemorrage money to you and believe fking ANYTHING.  The only reason it hasn't eclipsed the Abrahamic Trilogy of Myths (and spin-offs) is that it hasn't had 2000+ years to fester and spread.

7. The rest of them are just as silly, ridiculous, improbable, and not worthy of the clever, acidic wit it would take to properly blaspheme them.

MLBlogs Bonus -  "The Angels" are not the winged minions of "God", they are a Major League Baseball team out of Anaheim, CA, who suffer from a perpetual identity crisis and the inability to smite the Boston Red Sox in the ALDS.

Note - Not that anyone gives a sh!t, but BAPL shall be silent until next week as I trek up to The People's Republic of Taxachusetts tomorrow to watch the Red Sox play a meaningless game against the Injuns at Fenway.  BAPL shall reopen Monday morning, assuming my return flight doesn't get jacked by Al Queda suicide a$s bombers.